Hurt
by Nette
Summary: Last chapter uploaded! - Something happened to Abby. What happens afterwards? - Carby! : )
1. Chapter

**Category**: Carby

**Rating**: PG – 13

**Spoilers**: None … all made up. ; )

**Summary**: Something happened to Abby. Will she tell Carter?

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything … ; )

**Feedback**: Sure, I'd love to know what you think! nette_mails@yahoo.de or use the review button. ; )

**Author's notes**: I saw a movie about something like that and the girl was all alone after it happened – her boyfriend left her … I thought Carter would handle it differently – so I wrote this. ; )

There is quite a lot more written but I'm stuck now … maybe to hear what you think will encourage me to go on – or make me stop. ; ) So, please let me know what you think. ; ) Thanks! : )

I don't know how long I've been running, but I stop about 50 meters away from our apartment. It feels like I was running for ages, but I can't be sure. 

Really, I don't know anything. My mind is blank. I'm grateful I even found the way home. 

I can feel my heart racing while I wipe away the sweat from my forehead and straighten my clothes. I have to catch my breath, but it's easier said than done. 

I stand under a street light now and try to breathe. It is already dark and I feel a bit more comfortable here. Not many people walk past me since it is already nearly midnight, but better a few than none.

Now that I calm down a bit, I notice that one of my ribs hurts.

He must have kicked me. That's the price when you try to defend yourself I guess.

I start to walk quickly towards our apartment. 

I hope John is not there. He should be, but maybe he had to go to the hospital because of an unexpected emergency.

I look up before I climb the steps to the outside door. There is no light switched on, so maybe I am lucky. I really don't want him to know. He'd worry and I had to tell him everything. I really don't want to go through that again.

It is embarrassing and he'd only pity me, which is the last thing I need now. I just want to take a shower and be alone. I will get over it.

So I go up the steps and stop in front of the locked door.

Where on earth are my damn keys when I need them? All I want is to get in as soon as possible. Even the wind whistling in the trees is scaring me.

I remember his words. _You should have your keys already out. You never know who might be lurking._ I wish I listened to what he said back then.

I go on fumbling in my bag, and it falls to the ground. All my stuff is spread in front of my feet. I bend down nervously to pick up my things with shaking hands. But I still can't find my keys. God, what if he has them?

I really need to get in now so I decide to ring Mr Gardinsky's bell. He is always at home, always up late, friendly, and lives on the first floor; surely he can open the door for me. 

It feels like ages until I hear his footsteps come closer.

I can hear his keys in the door before he finally opens it.

He looks at me, surprised.

"Miss Lockhart, I didn't expect you. Did you forget your keys? Come in, dear, it is pretty cold outside; you'll catch cold."

I try my best not to let him see how I feel.

"Thank you, Mr. Gardinsky." I bring finally out. It didn't sound like I wanted it to sound, but I don't think he is suspicious. "Yes, I forgot my keys and my boyfriend is not at home. I am sorry that you had to answer the door because of me, it won't happen again."

I try to walk past him quickly but his voice stops me.

"That's okay, dear. But I think Doctor Carter is at home. I saw him earlier on his way up."

I think my heart stops beating when I hear him say that. I am not good at lying to him. I hope I can do this, I hope he won't notice.

"Oh, then he must be asleep already and didn't hear the doorbell. I am sorry, but I really have to go now. Thank you again." I say and hurry up the stairs.

I feel bad that I just leave him standing there, but I really can't deal with anyone right now.

I will just sneak in, have a quick shower, and then I will crawl into bed next to him. Maybe he's already asleep and won't even notice.

I have to catch my breath again when I reach our door.

And then it hits me. I don't have the keys to our apartment either.

Oh no, I will have to wake him up.

I inhale and exhale deeply before I ring our bell.

It takes only a few seconds before he opens the door. Maybe he wasn't sleeping. Maybe he was waiting for me. He is really the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. But even though I know it, I can't tell him what happened tonight.

He looks at me and smiles his gorgeous smile.

"Hey, beautiful. I was waiting for you to get home. You forgot your keys," he says and points at my keys on the shelf next to the door. I am relieved; at least he doesn't have them.

"I tried to wait up, but I fell asleep. Did anything happen? I was starting to worry," I hear him say before he leans in to kiss me on the cheek and to give me a hug.

I flinch under his touch. I can't believe that I do; I know he loves me and would never hurt me. But I couldn't help it, it was a reflex.

I am glad that he doesn't seem to notice.

"No, nothing happened," I bring out with a shaky voice while I try to free myself from his embrace to walk past him. "I had to work a bit longer."

He watches me taking my coat off for a moment before he closes the door.

"Are you sure nothing happened? You don't sound okay," he says while he comes up from behind and wraps his arms around my waist. 

I can't take his touch any longer when he starts to run his hand over my stomach.

"Of course I'm sure." I force my lips to form a smile. God, please let it look real. "Sorry, I really have to go to the bathroom."

That is a good excuse to get away from him.

I close the door behind myself. "I'm going to take a shower -  you can go on to bed," I call to him through the closed door and turn on the water immediately. I don't want him to ask any questions. Maybe he'll go to bed already before I get out.

"A shower? Now?" I hear him ask but I pretend not to have caught it.

I turn around to look at myself in the mirror.

I don't like what I see. I look like hell. No surprise that he didn't believe me when I told him nothing happened. Hopefully, the shower will help.

And I feel dirty. I have to get this smell off myself. I feel like throwing up when I think of his aftershave.

I take off my clothes and throw them into a corner. They disgust me. I never want to see them again. I have to burn them. Or at least throw them away.

I step into the shower and the cool water calms me down a bit when it hits my body.

I let myself fall against the wall and slide down, the water still running over me.

I wonder if I can ever forget this. At the moment I am sure I never can. I hope I am wrong.

Tears start to trickle down my cheeks. I don't want to cry, but I can't hold it back any longer. Better to do it now than later. He won't notice when I cry here.

A soft knock at the door brings me out of my thoughts and I rub my eyes.

"Abby? You've been in there for a while. Is everything alright?"

I clear my throat before I answer. "Yeah, I'll be out in a minute."

I must have been in here longer than I thought.

I am trying hard to act normal, but I don't think I am very successful.

I turn off the water and get out of the shower.

I put on my underwear and one of Carter's shirts. I'd rather have more on when I go out there, but I forgot to bring my pyjamas in with me.

The lights are out when I get out of the bathroom. I search my way through the room to the bed. He doesn't move – maybe he's finally sleeping.

No, I feel him shift when I lie down next to him.

He turns around and starts to stroke my cheek and kiss me.

"Oh, very sexy," he says and smiles when he notices that I am wearing his shirt.

I can hardly take it when he touches one of my breasts and lets his hand slide further down to my stomach.

I inhale sharply when he touches my hurting rib.

He stops immediately and switches on the light.

"Abby, what's wrong? And don't say it's nothing; we both know it is not true. Did I hurt you?" he asks. Before I can protest, he lifts my shirt. We can both see the big bruise on the left side of my ribcage. I am shocked myself. I didn't see it earlier.

"It's nothing," I say and tug my shirt down again. I wince when I get out of the bed, being careful not to look at him. I can't look into his worried eyes and not tell him the truth.

I can't believe I didn't notice the pain before. It really hurts. I guess the adrenaline is out of my bloodstream now. I think my rib might be broken.

He gets up and follows me to the window but I don't turn around.

"Abby, please tell me what happened. It looks like your rib is broken - it can't be nothing. How did that happen?"

Come on Abby, think! 

"A patient," I say. Yeah, that's good, it was a patient. "The patient … I … she … errr … he was manic and kicked around." God, I have to stop stuttering, that doesn't sound convincing. I should have made up a story before I got here. I knew he'd ask. "He kicked me. That's where the bruise is from."

"A patient?" I know he doesn't believe me. But I can't tell him. He'd be disgusted if he knew the truth.

"Yeah, a patient."

He looks at me, and I can tell that he is thinking hard. He is thinking of a strategy to get the truth out of me. He won't let go until he knows. "Let me take a look then," he says and touches my side. I move and turn away from him. 

It pains me that I can't take his touch. I used to love the feeling of his skin on mine. But now it is different. It scares me and I don't know if I will ever be able to enjoy it again. I don't know if I can ever let him hug me or even hold his hand again without being scared.

I look back over my shoulder. I can see that he is hurt. I did it again. I hurt him. I didn't mean to. He didn't do anything. But I can't help it. It is an instinct, to protect myself from even more pain, even though I know he is different and would never hurt me.

He takes a step back and sighs in frustration.

I don't know what to say. He is about to ask again. "Uh, Susan already checked it. It is nothing serious," I say, though I know he won't buy it.

"Did she take an x-ray?"

I nod. Of course she didn't. She doesn't even know about all this. But I don't want him to suggest that we go and take one.

"Good, I will take a look at it tomorrow then."

He knows, he knows it is not the truth. And he knows that I know that he doesn't believe me. 

This time _I sigh. "You really don't need to." _

He is waiting for me to give up, to tell him what's wrong. 

He looks at me and stretches his hand out to me. "Come here, Abby. Please come here and tell me the truth. We both know you are lying. You can trust me; you can tell me whatever it is. I know something happened to you. Something that's upsetting you. You're distant and distracted, and you've had this scared look on your face since you came home tonight. It helps to talk about it, believe me." 

He keeps on looking at me and his hand is still inviting me to take it. "Or did I do something wrong?" he suddenly asks, the expression on his face changing to not only concern but also a hint of guilt.

"No!" I exclaim quickly. How could he think that? He didn't do anything. Truthfully, I know why – I pushed him away.

"Then why won't you let me touch you? Please talk to me. I want to help you."

I look at his hand. It is not big and muscular; it won't cover my mouth to make me silent. It is soft and loving.

I start to remember the way he used to touch me. And I can see the concern in his eyes. 

The vision of him gets blurry as my eyes begin to fill with tears.


	2. Chapter

**Author's Notes**: Wow, thank you for all the reviews! : ) They really helped me to continue with the story! And I'm glad you like it so far! I hope you'll like this part, too! Please let me know what you think! : ) Thanks!

I forgot to thank Courtney the last time, sorry Court! She beta read most of this! : ) Her input is great! Thank you! ::hugs:: Also thanks to everybody else who read it and reassured  and encouraged me to go on. : )

Anyway, here's the next part:

My hand is still shaking when I finally reach out to take his.

It feels warm when I finally reach it, and he starts to rub the back of my fingers with his thumb. He is so careful with me. He knows I need time. 

I know I need him, but I still don't think I can tell him.

"You know I love you. And you know I won't hurt you," he says while he starts to pull me towards him slowly, gently, waiting for a reaction from me.

I don't object. I want to be close to him again. Close to him without feeling the fear of getting hurt another time.

He reaches out with his left hand to caress my cheek, but stops before he touches me. "Okay?" he asks.

I nod.

He strokes my cheek softly and cups my face with his hand.

I am still reluctant, but I allow him to pull me closer, into his arms.

He lets go of my left hand and his arm reaches around me, starts to rub my back slowly and carefully.

His other hand reaches up to pull my head to his chest.

I am in his arms now and I am glad. I feel that the fear is gone, I feel safe and protected again, with him.

I'd feared I'd never be able to be close to a man again, but I'm so glad that I was wrong. I don't know about other men, but he is all that counts.

I know that I can trust him and that he won't ever hurt me.

My heart won over my instinct.

He rocks me gently and moves his hand up and down my back.

"I am here for you," he whispers and I know it's true.

I feel the tears falling from my eyes now and bury my head even deeper into his chest.

First they fall slowly, but the longer I am in his embrace, the more I can let go of my facade, show him how I really feel.

We both don't say anything for a while, he just holds me and lets me cry. All that is audible are the sobs that are now racking my body.

He begins to gently move me over to the bed and I wipe away the last of the tears.

We sit down next to each other and he takes my hand.

I know he is looking at me, but I can't look at him. I can't look into his eyes.

It is not fear anymore that I feel. I'm not scared of him. But I am still hurt. And there is something else I feel. It is shame.

I am ashamed of what I let that man do to me. That I didn't stop him, that I couldn't. I feel weak and powerless. Like any man can take what he wants from me and I can't do anything to make them stop. I feel guilty, like it's my fault.

And I regret that I didn't take Susan's offer.

The shame I feel now, with him, is overwhelming.****

As if he could read my mind, he lifts up my chin to make me look at him.

I try to avoid the eye contact at first, but I can tell that he cares deeply and to look into his eyes makes me feel stronger.

"Can you talk about it now?" he finally asks.

I shrug my shoulders.

I know I want to tell him, but I don't know if I can.

"Hey, I will listen to you, no matter how much time you need."

I nod again.

I take a deep breath as I try to gather all my strength to tell him what happened.

I still don't know if I can do this. I have no idea how I am supposed to get any words out. I can hardly control my sobs – I'm choking on them – but I know that even though it won't be easy, he will listen to me.

I sigh again before I finally start to speak.

"I … I don't even know where to begin…"

"Hey, that's okay," he says and puts his hand on my shoulder. "Take your time."

I look down at my hands. They are playing with the rim of his shirt the whole time. I am nervous and I don't know what else to do with them. I don't know anything.

I'd love to tell him. I trust him and I know he will love me, even if he knows.

But this is even harder than I thought it would be. How do you explain something to another person when you can't even begin to understand it yourself? Something that you don't want to understand yourself.

You want to forget it, because it hurts you and scares you. But you know you won't be able to forget. Not any time soon. And that scares you even more.****

But I know I have to talk about it. Though it doesn't feel like that at the moment, I know it will help me. Help me to live with it. Maybe even to forget a little. I don't think I will ever be able to forget it completely.

I need him to love me through this. I need to feel loved even though I can't love myself.

I look up into his eyes again. He is looking at me patiently, reassuring me simply with his presence, without any words, that what I do is okay. That it's okay that I need time. That it's okay to tell him.

He knows what I need now. I need some time to put it into words. To make him understand what I don't really understand myself.

Though I think he knows anyway. Or he has at least an idea. If I let him take a wild guess now, I am sure he'd be right. The look in his eyes changed since he saw the bruise. He didn't believe a single word of what I'd said, not for one second.

I don't know why I lied to him. I guess I was hoping that it wouldn't be real if nobody knew. I thought maybe I could wake up the next day and pretend it was a dream. A very bad dream, but just a dream.

But that won't happen.

I take a deep breath before I try to talk about it again. His hand is still lingering on my shoulder, his fingers are forming small circles. He is trying everything in his power to make me relax. And gradually, it begins to work.

"I had a late shift," I begin.

He just nods, but doesn't say a word. He doesn't want to interrupt or push me. He knows the first words are the hardest. I am glad that he will just let me talk, though I know he wants to ask me so many questions.

"I was in the bathroom, changing my clothes," I continue. "Susan was there, too."

I have to take a deep breath again. I know my voice is barely audible, but I feel like I'm beginning to finally calm down a bit.

"She offered me a ride home."

To think about it is beginning to upset me again. I can't stand the thought that I could have avoided this if only I listened to her.

"And I was joking about it." A bitter laugh escapes my lips and I have to try hard to hold back the tears that are stinging in my eyes again. I don't want to cry now, I want to get it out.

"I told her that it's not that dangerous and that I could get home by myself. She asked me again, but I told her that I wanted to take the El. If only ... "

"Hey," he interrupts me. He knows that I blame myself, that I think it's my fault.

"Whatever happened, don't blame yourself. I won't let you do that," he whispers. 

I know he is right. It won't help anyone if I blame myself. It only makes it harder, though I know he is doing the same. He is blaming himself, I can see it in his eyes. He wishes he hadpicked me up at the El station. He wishes he could have protected me from this, from everything bad in the world. We both know he that he couldn't, that nobody can.

And still, I can't stop blaming myself either. The big '_What if?' is on my mind. _

What if I wasn't so stubborn? I could have come home to him, looking forward to lying in his arms on the couch, watching TV. Looking forward to making love to him.

Now I can't even think about it. This is not only going to ruin my life, but his as well. I can't do this to him. He doesn't need a relationship like this. What does he want with me? I don't even know if I can ever be intimate with him again.

I don't think he'll even still want to be intimate with me again, not once he knows.

"I'm sorry, but I can't do this. Maybe you'd better go now," I say weakly, not really thinking about the words.

But it's too late. They are out and I hurt him with them. 

"What?" he asks in disbelief.

I remember that it's the middle of the night and that it wouldn't be fair to tell him to go now. All this is not his fault.

"I'll sleep on the couch then," I say and get up from the bed.

He gets up as well and stands in my way. "Why?"

I stare at him. I don't know what to say. There is no real reason. I don't want him to go. I don't want to sleep on the couch, far away from him. I just don't want to ruin his life as well.

And I want to forget the whole incident as soon as possible. 

"I ... I don't know," I stutter. "I just don't know what I can give you in the future."

"You don't need to give me anything, Abby. Just let me be with you. Just trust me. Let me love you."

"You don't understand. I'm scared. This changed my life forever, and it will be the same with yours if you don't go. It will never be the same again. You better go while you can."

"Don't try to push me away Abby. I'm not going anywhere."

I needed to hear that from him. I give in and we sit both down on the bed again. I don't know how he can always make me trust him, how he can always bring me to open up to him, but he can … and does.

"What happened then?" he asks me gently.

I don't think much, I just go on. If I think more now, I will never get it out.

"I took the El then. I had the feeling that someone was following me, but when I turned around nobody was there. I thought I was imagining things. But ... "

I have to pause for a minute. I thought the beginning was hard, but to come to the point is even harder.

He rubs my arm gently to reassure me. I look at him and through my watery eyes, I can see that his eyes are filled with tears as well.

"He grabbed me from behind and ... he covered my mouth with his hand. He pulled me in an alleyway ... I was lying on the ground and he had a knife. He said he'd kill me if I screamed. Then he began to unbutton my blouse and my jeans …"

Now I really can't go on. Hot tears are running down my cheeks. I know my last words were hardly audible, but I also know he understood them.

"Did he ... ?" he asks. I can see that he is not sure if he should say this, but he has to know.

And I knew he'd ask. He can't even say it out loud, and neither can I.


	3. Chapter

**Author's Notes**: Thank you for the reviews! I'm glad you like the story! Here's the next part. Please let me know how you like it. Thanks! : )

I shrug my shoulders. I really don't know. I feel like I've been raped, but I am not sure if he technically did it.

"I don't know," I whisper. I can't say more. I am trying hard not to break down now, not to lose it. But he wants me to let go.

"That's okay," he says and pulls me in his arms. He just holds me tightly, his cheek resting on my head and his hands rubbing my back gently. "I'm so sorry, Abby."

I can't hold back any longer. I feel my sobs shaking my body, and it feels so good to cry in his arms, to let it all out, and I'm glad that he knows and that he's here for me.

"I wanted to make him stop, John. But I couldn't, he was so strong. He kicked me when I tried to do anything," I sob into his chest.

"Hey, this is not your fault. There was nothing you could have done," he says and holds me even tighter in his arms.

To hear him say this helps me a little.

He just holds me until my tears subside. Then he pulls away slightly, just enough to look at me. I know what's coming next. We've seen way to many victims in the ER for me not to.

"We have to go to the hospital."

"No," I say, falling back into his arms, clinging onto him. "I can't do this, please don't make me do this," I plead and shake my head.

I know he is right, but I don't think I can do it. I'd feel so embarrassed. 

I've talked to a lot of victims in the ER and I was never disgusted, but it's different when it's you. You think people will look at you in a different way if they know.

"I'll go with you. You won't be alone, okay?"

I know I have to go. I need to know and it's the only way to find out. I don't really care about my rib. But I have to know if there are any signs of rape.

Actually, do I really want to know? It's bad enough already. It's just that it would make me feel better to know that he didn't ... I still can't even think about it.

But I can't imagine facing the people at County now; I feel so weak and ashamed. I know there's no reason to feel like that – doctors deal with rape victims everyday. But this is me. It is not someone, it is _me_. And I don't think I can do this.

I know he will make me go eventually, and truthfully, I'm glad for it. I couldn't bring myself to do it alone.

I am still in his arms, looking at his chest. I want to stay like this forever. I just want to be comforted by him. I still haven't answered him. 

"Hey." I feel him stroke my hair before he kisses the top of my head. "I won't leave your side. I'll be there for you. You don't have to be scared or ashamed."

"They'll all know about it and it'll get all over the hospital," I say, as my last attempt to object.

"Nobody will know why we're there, okay?"

I finally nod. I don't know how, but I know that with him by my side, it will be okay. Somehow.

He pulls back again and kisses my forehead before he gets up. "I'll be right back. I'm going to get you something to wear."

He runs a finger down my cheek one last time before he goes.

I feel vulnerable immediately without him. I hope it won't be like this forever. I can't always ask him to be with me. I know he would do it, but I can't let that happen.

I'm relieved when he reappears quickly, just as he promised, with some jeans, a pair of shoes, and a jacket. I felt naked just in his shirt.

He also carries a bag over his shoulder and some more clothes under his arm. I object, refusing to stay at the hospital –  I want to go home with him again. But he wants to be prepared.

***

I am sitting on the bed, dressed now, watching him pack a few things for me. 

I can't stop wondering why I can't remember what happened. How is it possible that I don't know exactly what he did to me? Not knowing is driving me crazy.

I bend forward and cover my face with my hands. I just want all this to stop.

He notices and comes back, kneeling down in front of me, taking my hands in his.

"Hey, it's going to be okay."

I look into his eyes. "Why can't I remember what happened?" I ask him, almost pleading for an answer. "It was so ... how could I forget what exactly happened?"

"That's the reason. What you had to go through …" He pauses for a moment. I know all this is hard for him, too. But he manages to be strong for me. "Your body tries to protect you. It lets you forget the worst to protect you."

"Do you think they'll find him?" I whisper. They have to find him. How will I ever be able to feel safe again if they don't? He could be anywhere.

"I am sure they will," he says, squeezing my hands reassuringly.

"But how can they?" I ask desperately. "I hardly remember anything." I'm starting to panic. What if they'll never find him?

"You will remember when you are ready."

I am just starting to believe him when I realize how stupid I was. My body tenses and he notices, asking me with a look what is wrong.

"The ... I took a shower. I washed all evidence away. I shouldn't have done that ... how could I do that, John? I know better than that … "

He cups my chin with one hand to make me stop. "Shhh, you did nothing wrong. The shower was what you needed and you had the right to take it. I am sure they will find him." 

He wouldn't lie, would he?

"And we have your clothes."

I am still worried and shaking when he pulls me towards him and I sink down to the floor in front of him to let him hold me once again, as he kisses the top of my head gently.

I don't know what I did to deserve him. I will never forget how much he helped me, especially today.

Finally he gets up and pulls me up with him.

"I'll go get your clothes," he says gently, as he takes the plastic bag he brought with him earlier and goes into the bathroom. I'm glad he is doing that for me. I don't think I could look at them again.

While I am waiting for him, the exhaustion hits me and I realize how tired I am. But I don't want to waste even more time. I want to get this over with and start to forget.

It's only a few seconds before he is back, shoving the plastic bag into the duffel holding my other clothes, stripping off his gloves.

Gloves. That's when it hits me somehow. He used gloves to get my clothes. Suddenly it feels so real. It's like with any other victim of rape in the ER.

Of course it's not exactly the same. He's not treating me like any other victim. He's my boyfriend and loves me. He's suffering from this about as much as I do.

But the procedure seems the same.

"You ready?" he asks softly, brining me out of my thoughts, and reaching out his hand, inviting me to take it.

I shake my head. But I take his hand anyway and follow him towards the door.

***

We are in the Jeep now, driving to the hospital in silence.

His hand is on my knee, absently forming patterns across it, while my hand rests on his.

It is raining now and I watch the drops fall against the window and slide down slowly. It distracts me from my thoughts while he's driving and can't. And the sound is soothing.

I feel him look at me every now and then to make sure I am okay. I love him for his caring about me. I have no idea how to thank him for this.

After what seems like only a few seconds, we arrive at County.

He turns off the engine and looks at me, waiting for a sign from me that I'm ready to go in.

I can't give him that sign because the problem is that I am not ready. And I never will be. He has to make me go and he knows that.

"Do you want me to get Susan for it? Or do you want someone else?" he asks carefully, hardly above a whisper, trying not to startle me.

All this feels so familiar. Only that back then, when Brian hit me, I didn't think I was raped. At least not until Susan found the concussion on my thigh.

I didn't have much time to think about anything. Susan was there, so she did it. We weren't exactly best friends back then. It was the opposite almost. But in the end it was good that it was her and not someone else.

I sigh deeply and shrug my shoulders. Despite all that, I don't know what I want. 

Maybe it's easier if it's a stranger. Someone who doesn't know me. Someone I will never see again, someone without any emotional bond. 

Susan would understand, though. She would never judge me – she's my best friend. But I might be more embarrassed with a friend than with a stranger. Though she did it once already. But this time it's different. It's not only about me, it's about her as well. I don't know if I can put her through this again. Discovering that her friend was raped.

That's also why I can't let John do it. I thought about him doing it. And he thought about doing it as well, I know it. But it's just not right. He shouldn't have to do this.

His thumb rubs the back of my hand. "Let's go in first to see who's there."

I nod and he gets out of the car. We leave my stuff in the backseat for now, but he takes the plastic bag with the clothes I was wearing with him.

He comes around to my side and I grab his hand, holding it tightly as we walk in together.


	4. Chapter

**Author's Notes**: I forgot again to thank Courtney in the last bit! Sorry! She still beta read all I've posted so far! ; ) So thank you! ; )

And thank you for the encouragement and your reviews! They really make me want to write more! I hope you're still enjoying this! : )

Here's the next bit. It's a bit short, sorry. But the next one will be longer again. ; ) Let me know what you think. ; ) Thanks! : )

I look around nervously, anxious about seeing someone I know.

But I seem to be lucky. Not much is going on and the nurse sitting at the admit desk is a temp. I've never seen her before, and probably never will again.

Carter and I go over to the desk, and I can see the board showing that Susan is the only female doctor here tonight. In a way, I'm relieved because now I don't have to decide. And I am glad it is Susan; I trust her. It will be awkward, but I know it'll be okay with her.

Before one of us can say something to the nurse, I hear Susan call my name from behind in her cheerful voice. "Abby, what are you doing back here? I thought you were off. I mean, it's not that bad here, but not that good either," she jokes.

Both of us turn around to see her. I must look really awful since her smile disappears when she sees my face.

"Ab ... what ... you look … " she stutters. She doesn't know what to say and looks up at John while her hand reaches out to run over my arm gently. I guess it's obvious that something is wrong. But all I do is to stare down at my feet. There's the shame I knew I'd feel. I can't look into her eyes. I know they are full of concern.

Carter puts his arm around me protectively and I feel him shake his head at Susan. "Can we have one of the exam rooms?" 

She understands that we don't want to talk about it here in the hallway and nods as she leads the way to Exam 1.****

I'm getting more and more nervous as we follow Susan. I know what will happen in that room. I've assisted on victims often enough to be familiar with the process. But I've never laid there myself.

And I'm scared to find out what really happened.

John squeezes my shoulder and makes me sit down on the gurney, carefully perching next to me himself. Susan grabs herself a chair and sits down in front of me.

I don't know if I can talk. I have this big lump in my throat and I still can't look at her. I stare down at my hands now that are playing nervously with the zipper of my jacket, even though I know she is looking at me, waiting for answers. 

I don't blame her, can understand her concern. If it was her sitting here looking like hell, I'd like to help, too. I'd want to know what's wrong.

And she'd probably feel like me, not being able to explain it all again.

She looks at Carter now and I'm glad when he starts to explain for me.

"Susan, when Abby was on her way home tonight ... a man followed her and she ... she might have been ... she might have been raped."

He sighs deeply. It was the first time he said it and I know it was hard for him – his voice was shaking with every word.

I feel Susan looking at me again. She holds her hand out for me to take it and rubs my fingers gently with her thumb when I do so. "I'm so sorry, Abby."

I nod. I feel my eyes beginning to fill with tears again and I know when I open my mouth to say something, I'll start crying.

"Might have?" she then asks carefully.

This time, Carter nods. "She's in a shock. She doesn't remember what exactly happened. Could you ... could you examine her?"

I hate that he asked her that. I mean, I wanted him to and he was just doing it because I couldn't, but I wish that I didn't have to ask Susan to do it. It won't be easy for her either, and I feel bad burdening her with it. I'm sure she had something else in mind for the evening than doing a rape kit on her friend. But she is the only person I trust to do it.

"Of course," she says, hardly above a whisper, and squeezes my hand before she gets up and comes back with a gown for me.

When I move to change my clothes behind the curtain, Carter gives me one last reassuring hug. I am so glad that he is here with me.****

When I come back, Carter goes to leave the room.

"I'll be outside if you need me."

"Why are you leaving?" I ask him quickly, my voice rough and scratchy and barely audible.

He turns around and comes back to me. "I thought you'd prefer to be alone," he says and takes my hand in his.

I shake my head. "No, please stay with me."

I don't want him to go. I need him to hold my hand; I don't want to be alone.

I know it may be selfish and maybe I shouldn't ask him to stay. But I just can't do it alone.

He nods and brings my hand up to his mouth to kiss it gently before he goes with me to the gurney. I lie down on it and he sits down on a chair, close to me, my hand still in his.

"Any pain?" Susan asks me gently as she begins to examine my abdomen.

I nod and wince when she reaches my rib.

"I think her rib is broken," John says. "Let's take an x-ray later."

Susan nods and goes on. "Anything else that hurts?"

I want to say yes, that everything hurts. And the kind of wounds that never heal are causing my pain. But I shake my head, knowing that she's just talking about physical pain.

I feel sick when I think about what comes now. It's not just the shame that makes me feel that way. It's also the fear of the results.

What if I was raped? Nothing will be the same. 

I already feel like something was taken from me. I can't really explain what it is. My free will to decide what happens with my body and what not? My pride? My life as it used to be?

This is already bad enough. But to know that I was raped would make it even worse.

Suddenly I realize that Susan is talking to me. I must have been lost in my thoughts for a while. She and John are looking at me.

"You ready?" she asks.

I'm not, but I nod anyway. I won't be ready for this, not ever. So we might as well start right now so that I can begin to forget.

My whole body tenses when I feel Susan lift the gown a bit and move my feet into the stirrups. I tense even more when the cold material of the instruments and her hands touch my skin.

I hold onto Carter's hand tightly as my eyes begin to water and a single tears trickles down my cheek when I squeeze them shut. This is even harder than I thought it would be. I feel so humiliated – again.

He holds my hand and strokes my cheek gently, wiping away the tear. He bends down to my ear and whispers words of encouragement to me.

He has probably no idea how much he's helping me here. How much his presence and his comforting words mean to me.

"Abby?"

I open my eyes and try to focus on the blurry vision that is Susan.

"Hey, can you try to relax a bit?" she asks me carefully, obviously not wanting to have to say this at all. This must be about as embarrassing for her as it's for me.

I nod. But the more I try to relax, the more I feel my muscles contract.

John begins to stroke my arm lightly while I try to inhale and exhale deeply. All I want is for this to end.

It guess it works, since I feel Susan continuing with the examination.

***

It feels like forever until she finally takes her gloves off and puts my legs back down again. She is looking at me now, about to tell me what she found out.

I look back at her, but I can't read the expression on her face. I guess it's because even if there were no signs of rape, it's still no reason to be happy.

I feel Carter's hand clenching around mine. He's as nervous as I am.

She sighs before she starts to speak.

"I didn't see any abrasions, but I found semen."

I can't believe my ears. I feel a sting in my heart when I hear her words.

I turn my head to look at John. We both have tears gathering in our eyes.


	5. Chapter

**Author's Notes**: Sorry that it took me so long to update this time! But my final exams are driving me crazy … I'll try to update sooner next time!

I hope you still want to read and that you still like it! ; ) Please let me know what you think if you have a minute. Thanks. : ) Also thank you for all the reviews so far! It really helps me to continue that people want to read more.

And thank you Courtney and Tracey for beta reading! ::hugs::

"Did you have intercourse within the last 72 hours?" Susan then asks.

I try to remember. Please, let it be Carter's.

"Yes, this morning," he says quickly, before I can even begin to think about it.

"I'm sure it's fine, then," Susan says, trying to reassure me. "We need to do some tests. And I need to get a blood sample from you, Carter." 

I try not to cling onto that bit of hope too much. It would only be worse if it's not his in the end. But it is a possibility, especially since Susan didn't find any condemning injuries, which is usually the case when some women are raped. 

Susan comes around the bed to draw John's blood before she leaves to send everything to the lab. She knows I need to know the results as soon as possible. She also takes my bag of clothes with her.

Carter and I look cautiously at each other. I can see a mix of concern, sadness, and hope in his big brown eyes. It's probably the same combination he sees in mine.

I don't know what to say.

"I'm sorry John," I whisper. "I know you hate needles ... and all the fuss I'm causing ... "

"Shhh," He puts his finger on my lips to make me stop. "Nothing is your fault. I don't want to hear that. You did nothing wrong."

I am so glad he understands. I don't know what I'd do if he turned his back on me now.

I am overwhelmed with emotions and can't hold back my tears anymore.

"I'm so scared," I choke out.

He bends over and takes me into his arms, rubbing my back soothingly, just letting me cry. "Everything will be okay. We'll get through this."

I nod and bury my head in his chest. It feels so good to be in his arms.

***

It feels like barely five minutes have passed before Susan returns with the results. Even though she knocks at the door carefully before she comes in, she startles me a little bit when she enters the room.

I was in John's arms the whole time. After my tears subsided he was just holding me, giving me the comfort I needed.

We both slightly pull away from each other to look at Susan, and to hear the results.

I'm holding my breath and I know Carter does too when she starts to speak.

"I have some slightly good news, the tests confirm that the semen I found is Carter's, but that doesn't prove it either way … "

I am relieved. And I can feel that Carter and Susan are, too. We are looking at each other and he's squeezing my hand lightly. Though John and Susan still have that worried and concerned look on their faces. And I know so do I. It's not making anything better, it's just not making it worse. This is no reason to be happy, but at least a reason to be relieved.

" … I need you to come back for some more tests over the next couple of weeks. You know that even though we didn't find any other semen, it could still be possible that he infected you with something, or that you ... "

She doesn't have to go on. I know what she means. They couldn't identify any, other than Carter's sperm. But that is no proof that there actually isn't. Maybe it was just mixed with his. Only God knows what that man did.

So she is right, I should let them make tests to rule out diseases and a ... pregnancy.

That thought makes me sick. At the moment it's the emotional pain that hurts me the most. It's what he did to my feelings. What he did against my will. But when I am beyond that aching, I'll have to worry about what he did to me physically. Or to my whole life in case there was his semen in the end.

But I don't want to think about that now. It's hard enough already and it probably won't be the case anyway. But the possibility is driving me crazy.

And it's the same for him I guess. He looks back and forth between Susan and me, letting the information sink in.

"I'll leave you two alone now. I'll see you later," she suddenly says, sensing that we need some time with each other. She's a real friend, I am glad she's here.

"Susan?" I say quickly before she's gone.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you ... thank you for everything."

"Any time, Abby," she says and gives me a warm, reassuring smile before she leaves, though I know she doesn't feel like smiling. None of us do.

I look back at Carter. He's still holding my hand.

Now alone with him and with him looking at me I feel the tears I tried to hold back the whole time in my eyes. I don't want to cry – again. But the mix of feeling better and still feeling bad at the same time is too much for me.

"I'm so sorry, Abby," is all he can say. Then he kisses my temple before he wraps his arms around me to comfort me.

I try to gather some strength for what comes next. It will be just as hard as this was. To talk to the police will be painful. I have to remember everything again, to tell everything again. But I know it's necessary. I want them to find him. To put him in prison for as long as possible. And I know John will be with me.

***

We're back at home now.

On the one hand I am glad that two of the hardest things are over – the hospital and talking to the police. But on the other hand I don't really feel better now. It's the opposite. I feel worse than I did before.

But I feel so stupid now. Like I am upset over nothing.

Susan was a great friend. She did everything so we had the results as quickly as possible. And she didn't pity me. Of course I could see that she feels for me, that she's sorry and that she wants to help me. But she didn't treat me like a victim.

She gave me a big hug before we finally left and told me that she'd be there for me. That I could call her no matter what time of the day it was.

I might take her up on that offer. John is wonderful and to talk to him feels good and makes me feel a lot better. But there are things only another woman can understand – I think. Though I know he tries to understand and has an idea how hard all this is for me. And I know this is hard for him, too.

To talk to the police was as horrible as I thought it would be.

It was hard enough to tell Carter, but to tell it to a stranger was even worse.

Especially to this police officer. I wish they had sent a woman to talk to me. But instead it was a man. I felt so uncomfortable with him. He acted like what that man did was okay. Like he had the right to do the things he did to me.

I am glad that Carter was there. He had his arm around me the whole time and it kind of protected me from the police officer's words. He made me feel so much better and gave me the strength not to break down. I even managed not to cry. I didn't want the officer to see me like that. And I had to be strong to give them as much information as possible so they'd find him soon. Carter was right, I remembered a bit more, but not much.

In the end they found out that my case matches with two others within the last three weeks.

Both women looked a bit like me and were attacked after they left the El.

He always used a condom, that's why they never found semen on the other victims, on me neither. But I will still do the test. I want to be sure.

And he never had intercourse with the women. He just touched them everywhere and kissed them while he touched himself ...

They found fingerprints on my clothes. So there is hope that they will find him soon. They can at least be sure that they have the right one when they compare them.

I am praying that they'll find him soon. I don't know how much longer I can take this. To know that he could be just a few meters behind me at any time.

I hear Carter close the door behind him and lock it.

I am standing at the doorframe and stare into the dark living room.

He comes up from behind and lays his hand on my shoulder. Seems like he knows that I am not feeling very well and that I need him. 

"You okay?" he asks me gently and begins to rub my back.

I know he doesn't really want an answer. We both know that I am not okay. But that's his way to talk to me, to make me talk about my feelings. And he knows it works well.

I shake my head. I am too weak to pretend that everything is all right anyway. And I know that he knows that I'm not okay.

He takes my hand and leads me over to the couch. 

We both sit down and he wraps his arms around me tightly.

"Don't listen to what the police officer said."

He knows what got to me. Apart from the incident itself of course. He was with me the whole time and heard everything he said.

I sigh. "I feel so stupid, nothing really happened."

"Abby, don't say this, you are not stupid. Just because that man didn't ... ," he trails off. It's still so hard to talk about it for both of us. "He had no right to do anything. He didn't even have the right to talk to you without your permission. And he did a lot more. He ... he touched you without your permission. He kissed you ... This is not nothing. Don't let anyone say that. You have all the right to feel hurt, because that man did hurt you."

My eyes fill with tears and so do his. I am overwhelmed that he feels so much for me. That all this seems to hurt him as much as it hurts me.

I kiss his cheek and rest my head on his shoulder.

"I'm scared," I admit. He can as well know everything I feel now.

He looks down into my eyes. "I know. But I am sure they'll find him soon. And I won't let anything happen to you."

"Thank you," is all I can say to this. And the first time this evening a slight smiles is on my lips. But it disappears quickly because I know that won't solve the problem. "It's not just that," I add and sigh deeply. "I am scared of the future. What will life be like now?"

"I don't know. But I know that you are not alone and that we'll make it through this."

I am glad that he says that, but I am not sure the he really knows what it means.

"Are you sure?"

He nods.

"But ... I don't know how much I can give you now ... I'm scared of so many things. Do you want that?"

He shakes his head. "Abby, I love you. No matter how long it takes you to feel better, I'll be here, with you."

I'm speechless again. I'm so glad to have him, and I'm sure he means what he says. "But what ... what if I'm sick now, or ... "

"The chances are very small. Let's try not to worry about that. I know it's easier said than done, but I'm sure everything is all right." 

I know he's right. But it's so hard. It just doesn't want to get out of my head.


	6. Chapter

**Author's Notes**: I'm sorry again! I really thought I could get the next part up earlier! My only excuse are the exams … sorry! I'll try to have the next bit up on the weekend.

But here's this bit first. ; ) I hope it's okay. But I thought in real life you would have that kind of conversation sooner or later if you're in a relationship where you trust each other.

Please let me know what you think. : ) Don't worry, you're almost at the end …

And thank you for all the great reviews! I'm really glad that it sounds realistic and that nobody is offended by this. I was really worried that some people might be. I wanted to focus on the feelings and it seems like that's what reaches you. : )

Lying in his arms I look at the clock on the wall. It's 3 am already.

He notices and follows my eye line.

"Let's go to bed now, okay? You must be exhausted, you need to get some sleep. I'll call Weaver and tell her that we won't be in work tomorrow."

I nod. I am glad he'll do that. It gives us a few days to recover, especially since we have the weekend off anyway. And I need to sleep, though I am afraid to close my eyes in the dark. I am afraid of what I might see in my dreams.

"What will you tell her?" I ask calmly to distract my thoughts. I know he wouldn't tell her the real reason, he knows how embarrassing this is for me.

"I'll tell her it's a family thing," he says before he unwraps his arms from me and grabs my hand to help me get up.

We go over to the bedroom, hand in hand, to get ready for bed and he makes the phone call before we go to bed.

We are both lying on our sides and I snuggle up close to him, my back against his chest. One of his arms is under my head while the other is wrapped around my waist tightly.

"I love you, Abby," he says softly and kisses the back of my head.

I feel like crying again. But tears of relief this time.

"I love you, too," I whisper.

We stay like that for a while and I can feel that he's not sleeping, that he's watching me.

I feel my eyelids get heavy and fall asleep from exhaustion, secure in his arms.

***

I open my eyes and glance at the alarm clock on the nightstand, slowly adjusting to the sunlight coming through the windows.

It's two in the afternoon.

John's arms are still wrapped around me protectively and I can hear him snore slightly.

I'm surprised. I think I slept through, without waking up because of nightmares or other things.

I guess I haven't really come to terms with what happened yet. I never dream about things that really affect me immediately. It always takes a few days of realization before my mind tries to work through it all. But the bad dreams will come eventually, and that scares me.

I try to free myself from his embrace carefully without waking him up.

I know he didn't sleep much. I know he watched me sleeping for quite some time. I want to let him sleep. He was there for me the whole time yesterday.

After I finish in the bathroom, I walk over to the living room to sit down on the couch.

I had a peaceful night, considering what happened yesterday, but now all the memories are coming back.

I feel the same pain I felt yesterday. I have the same fears I had yesterday.

Most of all I'm still afraid of the future.

My life will never be like, what it was before. I'll always remember that day. Remember what happened, remember the hospital, the police, the time after that.

But my biggest fear is to lose my relationship, to lose John. He says he loves me and that he wants to be with me, even if it takes me some time to be myself again.

I'm sure he means it, but I don't think he sees the whole picture.

I'm worried about intimacy, I was worried about that the whole time. But yesterday was not the right time to talk about it, I just couldn't. Everything was fresh and I couldn't bring it out. But now I really have to know how he feels about it.

I know our relationship is not at all only about sex. But sooner or later he will want it again. It's a natural thing. But I don't know if I can give him what he needs in that aspect.

I want to believe that as time goes by I will feel different about it. That I'll want it, too again. But at the moment I'm not sure.

"Hey, good morning," I hear him suddenly say from behind, bringing me out of my thoughts.

I turn my head around to look at him. He's standing in the doorframe, looking at me.

"Were you sitting here for long? Why didn't you wake me up?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I wanted you to sleep."

He gives me a small smile. "You should have woken me up. I don't want you to be alone."

I return his, smiling a weakly.

"Unless you want to be alone," he then says, a hint of disappointment in his voice.

"No," I say quickly. "I just wanted you to have some rest. I consumed enough of your time yesterday."

"Abby, you know you're not _consuming_ my time. I want to be with you."

I'm glad he sees it that way.

He comes over and puts his hands on my shoulders before he leans down to kiss the top of my head and sits down next to me.

He reaches out to take my hand in his, rubbing it gently.

"Did you sleep okay?" he asks me.

I nod and kiss his cheek.

"No nightmares?"

I shake my head. "No bad dreams ... yet."

"I'll be there when they come," he says and begins to rub my back slowly with his hand, my hand still in his other.

I lean forward to rest my head on his shoulder. "Thank you. For everything you did for me. And I'm sorry that all this affects you so much."

"You don't have to thank me. And you don't have to be sorry. Nothing that happened is your fault. There was nothing you did wrong."

"But it still happened," I say, sadness in my voice.

He sighs. "Please promise me not to blame yourself anymore. No matter what some people might say, it's not your fault."

I don't know what to say, but I nod and he tightens his embrace around me. 

He's probably right. But I still feel guilty. Guilty that I put him through this, that I am causing so much trouble.

"What were you thinking earlier, on the couch?" he suddenly asks, after a moment of silence.

I'm debating with myself for a moment. Should I tell him?

But we'll have to talk about it sooner or later anyway.

I pull away from him to look at him.

"I was thinking about ... about us. Our relationship."

He gives me a confused look.

"You know what I told you about my fears? That I'm scared of what the future will be like?"

He nods. "I told you I'll be there for you," he says softly. "I still feel the same for you and what happened is no reason for me to think any different about us."

"I know, but I'm scared that I can't give you what you need." I swallow hard and look down at our hands. "I'm not sure how ... how I'll feel about ... about sex."

I'm glad it's out. I'm looking at him now, waiting for his reaction, trying to read the expression on his face.

He squeezes my hand lightly. "Abby, please don't worry about that. I can't say I know what you feel like at the moment. But I can surely imagine that it's hard for you. Especially to be intimate, to make love. It's the last thing I worry about right now."

At first his answer is making me feel better, but suddenly I fear that there is another reason why he's so okay with it. He probably doesn't even want sex with me anymore. He's surely disgusted when he looks at me, knowing that this man had his hands all over me. I knew this would happen.

I pull away from him, leaving some space between us.

"Abby? What's wrong? Did I say anything ... "

"You can tell me, you know," I interrupt him. I feel the tears in my eyes, but I'm trying hard not to cry. "I mean, I don't blame you. If I were you I'd probably feel the same ... "

"Tell you what?"

I look at him while the first tears start to roll down my cheeks, I'm unable to hold them back. He seems so sincere.

"Tell me that you don't want me anymore. That it disgusts you to look at me. That I am not attractive for you anymore .. "

"Abby!" he suddenly says, rising his voice a bit to bring me out of my rant. 

I jump a little. I'm not scared, but I didn't expect that reaction from him, he startled me.

He notices that and comes closer to me slowly.

"I'm sorry," he says carefully. "I didn't mean for it to sound like that. But what you say there is just wrong. Of course you are as attractive to me as before. You'll always be. I love you and you will always be the prettiest woman on earth for me. I don't know what to say to make you believe me, but it's the truth." He takes my hand in both of his. "The reason why I'm not worried about sex right now is not because I don't want it with you anymore. It's because I'm worried about other things. I want you to feel better. I want you to feel safe again. I want them to catch that man. The man that hurt you so much, that makes you feel sad, insecure. That took your normal life from you. He took ... he took _you_ from me." He takes a deep breath before he continues. "You're still the same person I fell in love with the first second you entered the ER. But at the moment you're scared. That doesn't make me love you less. But it changes you, it's not good for you. And I want you to feel okay again ... for you. We can talk about sex when you are ready, when you feel better." 

"What if I'm never ready? What if I'll never feel better?" I choke out. His words touch me, but the problem is just that. I don't know if I'll ever be ready.

He moves over to wrap his arms around me and I let him.

"At the moment it might feel like you'll never forget. But trust me, you will feel better. It will take some time. But it will get better. And no matter how long it takes, I'll be with you. And even _if_ it was that you never wanted sex again ... I don't care. I'm not with you for just that. It's part of our relationship and it's important for me, I enjoy it. I love to be close to you. But only if you enjoy it, too. I'm with you for who you are, for nothing else."

I can feel that he means it, but it's just hard to believe.

"I'm sorry," I say, still in his arms, my head on his chest. "I didn't mean to doubt your feelings. But ... I had to know what you think about it."

"That's okay, don't worry. I know this must be very difficult for you. But believe me, I don't feel any different about you. And all that counts for me at the moment, is how you feel."

I nod and wrap my arms around him. I feel better now that I know what he thinks. I was really scared of losing him, but to know that he'll be with me makes it seem like it's something I can make it through – _we_ can make it through.

He just holds me for a while before he pulls back to look at me.

"How about you, me, and some _very_ late breakfast?" he asks me with a little smile on his face. He tries to lighten the mood a bit and it seems to work. I feel a little smile on my face, too.

I'm not hungry, but I know he'll make me eat. So I won't even try to argue.

"Sounds good to me."

He smiles, I guess he thought I'd protest.

"Okay, I'll go and make us something."

I nod. "I think I'll take shower."

He hesitates for a moment. I can tell that he doesn't want to leave me alone.

"Call me, if you need me."

"I will, thank you," I say and kiss his cheek.


	7. Chapter

**Author's Notes**: Sorry – again! Still the stupid exams … but it's over soon. ; )

I hope you'll like this chapter, it's the second to last – I think. Depends on what you'll think about my end. ; )

Please let me know what you think – thank you. ; )

Aaaaand … thank you Tracey for beta reading! ::hugs::

He looks at me for another moment and runs his hand through my hair. I wonder what he's thinking now. It looks like he wants to say something, but I guess he changed his mind. Instead he kisses the end of my nose and gets up to disappear into the kitchen.

I sigh softly before I get up, and then move to get myself some clothes. It will take a lot of time before anything is even close to normal again, and that scares me.

When I enter the bathroom and turn on the water in the shower, memories of last night come up once again. Even though I feel much better now, it's still not easy.

I step into the shower and let the water run over my body.

I look down and see the most evident mark on me for what happened. The big bruise appears in different shades of blue, violet and yellow now.

And even though my rib is not broken it still hurts.

But it'll fade soon. Too bad that the bruises on your soul take so long to heal

I take the shower gel, pour some on the sponge and begin to move it over the spot carefully before I continue with the rest of my body.

_My_ body. It's weird but at the moment it doesn't really feel like _my body. Maybe it's because I lost control over it – control over what happens with it. Or because I want to distance myself from what happened._

I can't explain it. All I know is that I want everything go back to normal as soon as possible.

As I let the water run soothingly over my body, I realise that I'd better get out of the shower before he begins to worry. 

I know he worries. He'd like to be with me every minute of the day.

I'm used to handling things on my own, and usually I'd be annoyed. But honestly, I need him every minute of the day right now. I don't know how, but he can make me forget a little bit when he's near me.

When I leave the bathroom and enter the kitchen, the table is already set.

There is coffee and toast, and he must have gotten out every kind of marmalade we have.

He really is the sweetest boyfriend.

He turns around to look at me and I can see the concern in his eyes. Seems like the shower took longer than I thought it did.

"You okay?" he asks and comes over to me.

I nod and put my arms around him when he reaches me. 

I'm as okay as you can be after what happened yesterday. But I know what he means and I'm glad to be close to him again.

He pulls back to look at me. "Hungry?"

I shake my head.

"But you have to eat." 

I knew he'd say that. But I know he only wants what is best for me.

"I know," I say while he leads me over to the table.

I can manage to eat some toast and drink some coffee. I know he wants me to eat more, but I just can't. I feel sick already. I just don't feel like doing anything that keeps me alive. I don't even feel like breathing.

But he doesn't say a word. He knows I only ate for him and he's glad I ate at all.

I love that he cares so much. But I don't want to be a burden. 

Which is what I feel like at the moment. Since yesterday he's arranged his life around me, around my needs. And I'm glad he does. I really need him now. But I feel bad accepting it.

I don't know where I'd be without him at the moment. I haven't even thought about drinking yet. That would usually have been my first thought. It numbs the pain and lets you forget. But that's only for a little while. And when the alcohol begins to lose it's effect, it all comes back to you – and things are usually worse after that.

To talk to John, to lie in his arms is so much better than any alcohol.

But I still feel bad that he has to deal with me now.

His voice brings me out of my thoughts.

"Penny for your thoughts," he says and looks at me.

I look up at him. "What?"

He smiles. "What are you thinking? You seem so deep in thought."

I shake my head. "Nothing."

He gets up and walks over to me. How can he always read my mind?

He takes my hands and makes me stand up.

"If you need to talk, I'm here, you know that, right? No matter what it is," he says and gives me a hug.

I put my arms around him and nod. "I know ... it's just that ... I don't like it that I take away so much time from you," I admit. I promised him once not to hide anymore. And he deserves to know. "I'm glad you're with me, I'm scared when I realize how much I need you right now. But I feel bad when I accept it. I don't want to be a burden ... "

He tightens his embrace around me. "Abby, please. Believe me. I want to be there for you. I can hardly imagine how you feel right now. And if there is anything I can do to make you feel better, I'll do it. That's what friends are for. That's what the person you love and that loves you is for. Don't feel bad about it."

This time _I tighten my embrace around him, though it's hardly possible to get any closer to him. But I want to show him that all I need is him._

"I ... I also thought about drinking ... "

I'm holding my breath, waiting for a reaction from him. But he just begins to rub my back.

"This is the first time, in a very long time that I haven't turned to alcohol for support, but to you."

He kisses the top of my head. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

***

After we cleaned the dishes we sat down on the couch.

We're watching TV now. Actually – I'm staring at nothing in particular and he has one eye on the screen and one eye on me to make sure I'm fine.

I'm sitting next to him, curled up, my head resting on his shoulder.

His hand reaches out and takes mine in his.

"You don't like the movie?"

I didn't even know we were watching a movie. I'm not really thinking about anything. But I just can't concentrate on the TV either. He must have noticed that.

I look up at him. "I'm sorry."

He puts his arm around me. "Are you tired?"

I'm not really tired, just ready for the day to end, so I nod. He looks exhausted.

"Let's go to bed then," he says before he turns off the TV and leads me to the bedroom.

We lie down and I snuggle up close to him again while he wraps his arm around me.

We both don't fall asleep immediately, but we don't say anything either. We just lie there, thinking, until eventually we fall asleep.

***

The blaring noise of the alarm clock wakes me up. I force my eyes to open a bit to locate it and stop the noise.

I sigh when I finally find it. It's Monday, 10 am and I have to work again today.

I don't know if I'm ready yet, but I can't sit around at home any longer.

John was very supportive during the whole time. He was always there for me and he made everything so much easier for me. He never pushed me but he was always there to listen to me. I don't know what I would have done without him.

I turn around in his arms to see if he's still sleeping.

He smiles at me when I look at him.

"Good morning," he says.

"Good morning," I say and kiss his cheek. He kisses me back.

"Did you sleep okay?"

I nod. Still no bad dreams, which is good. But I know they will come and every evening when I close my eyes I know that they could come this time. But I'm not alone. I'll be able to handle it with him.

"Are you ready to go to work again?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I don't know. But I want to go. I can't stay home forever. I ... I want my life back," I add and look down to my hands.

He pulls me closer to him. "It'll get better Abby, I promise."

I hope he's right.

I kiss his shoulder before I pull away. "Go take a shower now. Or we'll never, both, be ready for our shift at 11."

We both work the same shifts for now. So we can come in and go home together.

"Okay, I won't be long," he says, kisses my temple and gets up.

I get up too, and walk over to my dresser to get out some clothes.

It's not easy to choose. Usually I'd just take some pants and a turtleneck without further thoughts. But at the moment all that seems too "sexy" to wear. I hate that, that man influences my behaviour. I don't want him to rule my life. But at the moment I just can't wear these things.

I end up taking a sweater I hadn't worn for ages because it's too big really and a pair of loose fitting jeans. I just need something I feel comfortable in.

Once we're both ready we leave the apartment. He holds my hand the whole journey, letting me know that he's there for me.

***

We're in the ambulance bay now and suddenly I'm not so sure anymore that I can do it. I peek inside and see that it's a hectic day – like most of the days at County are. At least in the ER. You can never be sure that there won't be a drunk trying to grab your butt. But I have to go inside.

As if he could read my mind John squeezes my hand reassuringly before we go in.


	8. Chapter

**Author's Notes**: I'm so sorry for the delay!!! It really took me ages to post the – probably – last chapter of this fic. But I was really busy and then all my beta readers kinda left me … because they were busy themselves. (If anyone is interested to beta read other fics … ::hinthint:: ; ) ) But I really didn't want to wait for the new year until they have more time again – so I decided to just post it. Tracey read it over once, though. (Thank you! ::hugs::) So it shouldn't be too bad.

Anyway … here's the last chapter. There might be more but I'm not sure yet. I hope you'll like it. I've been told it's still PG-13 … and that's what I think, too. But I apologize for the really mild sexual content in advance if it's not …

I really enjoyed writing this and I'm glad that you apparently enjoyed reading it! : ) Thank you for all the reviews!

Happy holidays and a happy new year! : ) [/end of rant]

I'm still a bit overwhelmed by the amount of people when Kerry limps towards us.

"Abby, John, family problems are solved?"

I look at her, confused for a second. But then I remember the lie John told her to get a few days off from work.

"Yes, everything is solved," he answers quickly.

"Good, GSW to the head in Trauma One for you, Carter."

He looks at me, waiting for a sign that I'm okay with him going.

I nod and kiss his cheek before he leaves.

Weaver turns her head to me now.

"Assaulted woman in Exam Two for you, Abby. Looks like she was raped, poor thing. Susan is already there," she says before she limps away again.

I'm like paralysed for a moment. Can I handle that? But then I have to think of the poor woman. She deserves help. Instead of being scared I should try to help her.

I take a deep breath before I join Susan in the exam room.

I feel tears in my eyes when I see the woman. Her face is badly bruised. Her left eye is so swollen that it's shut. Tears are running down her cheeks. She must be in her early twenties.

Susan comes over to me when she sees me.

"Hey, are you feeling better?" she asks and puts her hand on my shoulder.

I nod. "Has she been raped?" I ask her in a whisper.

"We don't know yet. I just wanted to examine her. You don't have to stay."

I shake my head. "No, I have to stay," I say before I go over to the woman.

"Hey, I'm Abby," I say carefully. "What's your name?"

She turns her head to look at me. "Melissa," she whispers.

Now that I stand next to her, the injuries look even worse. I almost think that I can be glad with what happened to me – that not more happened to me – it could have been worse.

I sit down next to her on the gurney and take her hand. It's shaking and I can see that she's scared. She's shocked from what happened to her and scared of what's yet to come.

"Don't be scared Melissa," I say to her and squeeze her hand. "I'll be here with you."

I know how important it is not to be alone. I was lucky that I had John. That I still have him. He's still helping me. And I want to help this girl to make her feel better, too.

And it seems like it works, she seems to relax a little while Susan begins to examine her.

"Do you know who did this to you?"

She shakes her head. "I took the El and when I got out that man was behind me. I don't remember what he looked like ... "

"Shhh, don't worry, you're save now," I say, not sure if that's what she needs to hear now. But I think there's nothing I could say that would help in any way.

"The only thing I remember is that he had a very bad aftershave and that I cut him with a knife I had in my bag ... "

With that she starts crying and I stroke her cheek.

***

"Has she been raped?" I ask Susan after she examined the girl.

We're standing outside her room now. Her mother arrived a while ago and as I look in I can see some relief already in the girl's face.

Susan nods. "She's definitely been raped."

Tears gather in my eyes. She's so young. She shouldn't have to go through this. Nobody should have to go through this.

I stare at her and her mother when Susan begins to rub my arm. "Hey, everything okay?"

I nod. "It's just that her description fits to the man who ... "

"Do you think it was the same?" she interrupts me.

I shrug my shoulders. "I'm not sure. He never raped the women."

"But she cut him with a knife. Maybe that made him angry."

Susan is right. He's sick and who knows what could push him over the edge.

Before I can say anything we hear yelling at the admin desk.

Susan and I turn around to see a man with a towel around his arm.

"Can anyone here help me?" he shouts.

I see Carter there, too. He tries to calm the man down.

"Sit down in chairs and we'll help you as soon as possible."

"Can't you see that I'm bleeding?" he yells.

Susan and I come closer and suddenly it hits me. I know the voice and I know that face.

"It's him," I whisper.

Carter turns around to look at me. "What?" he asks in disbelief.

"It's him," I say again when the man looks at me.

I suddenly feel sick when our eyes meet and I run to the lady's room.

I run into the first stall and kneel down to empty my stomach.

Then I let myself fall to the floor and cover my face with my hands.

I jump when a hand suddenly touches my shoulder. I didn't notice him.

"Hey, it's me," he says and kneels down in front of me.

"It's him," I whisper again.

"I know, they got him Abby, everything will be okay."

I look up into his brown eyes and the tears I felt the whole time finally roll down my cheeks.

He wraps his arms around me and just holds me. "It'll be okay," he whispers again and rubs my back gently.

***

I can't believe that it's been two months already. The man got 10 years for sexual harassment and rape. Sentence is served in a high security mental institute, where the likelihood of him ever being released is minimal.

John and I just came home from the last set of test results. Thank God I'm healthy, he didn't pass any diseases onto me. And I'm not pregnant. I guess I was lucky after all. It could really have been worse.

I'm stood at the window staring outside when John comes in.

"Hey," he says and reaches his arms around me from behind.

"Hey," I say and turn my head to look at him.

"How are you feeling?"

"Okay. I'm glad it's finally really over. I was still scared that I might be sick."

"I know, but you're not."

I turn around in his arms and smile at him. "I know."

I wrap my arms around his neck. "Thank you that you've been there for me. I really needed you ... I still need you."

"Any time," he says and looks into my eyes.

I reach up to kiss his cheek. When I pull back my lips brush against his.

I don't know whether it just happened or was subconsciously on purpose, but I feel a wave of electricity run through my body. It's been a while since we've been so close – at least in that way. I just couldn't handle it. It had nothing to do with John. And he understood. He never pushed me to do anything I didn't want.

I also didn't want to pass any disease onto him.

But now I feel that I want to kiss him again.

I reach up again, this time to kiss his lips.

When my lips touch his he pulls his back slightly, just a bit, to look at me.

"Abby, we don't have to do this."

"I know, but I want to," I say before I kiss him again.

I have to admit that I wasn't sure at first if I really wanted it. But once I kissed him I knew that it was right, that I was ready.

This time he kisses me back. The sensation of his lips on mine, our tongues carefully exploring each others mouth is overwhelming. It feels like the first time we kissed in that Trauma room, like we're experiencing each other for the first time again.

His hands slide down my shoulders and he pulls me closer towards him.

My hands run through his hair at the nape of his neck, while his hands run up and down my back. But he still seems reluctant to touch me.

I pull away from our kiss.

"It's okay, really," I say and begin to trail light kisses down his throat while my hands run over his chest slowly.

He smiles and lets one of his hands slip under my shirt, forming patterns on my bare skin. I feel goose bumps appear all over my body.

He feels so good and I missed his touch. And I can tell he missed me, too.

We move over to the bed slowly while I unbutton his shirt and he fiddles with my bra.

Once we reach the bed his shirt is open and I shrug it off his shoulders. I admire his bare chest and let my hands run over his skin.

He takes off my shirt and my bra and looks at me.

"You're beautiful," he whispers while he lets his hands run over my breasts slowly before he leans down to kiss them.

I sigh and close my eyes.

"I missed you."

"I missed you, too."

He reaches lower to remove my pants and the remaining underwear and I do the same with his. Once we're naked we lie down on the bed.

He kisses me softly while his hands explore my skin.

I can feel both our bodies respond to our touch when he pulls back again to look at me.

"Are you really sure?" he asks me. "We don't have to ... "

I nod and put my finger on his lips before I kiss him again.

With that he positions himself between my legs.

Silent moans escape both our throats once he's inside of me.

I really missed him, missed to feel him.

He begins to move slowly and gently and soon I can tell that we're both getting close. But his movements still remain gentle until we both reach our climax.

"I love you," he moans.

"I love you, too," I whisper breathlessly before he kisses me gently, lies down next to me and pulls me into his arms to hold me close.

I'm overwhelmed with emotions and a tear trickles down my cheek.

Of course he notices it and wipes it away. "What's wrong?" he asks worriedly.

"Nothing," I say. "I just missed you and I'm happy to have you back."

"Same here." He just smiles and kisses me. 

I start to believe that he's always been right; everything will be okay again.


End file.
